Stirred from hiatus. I’ll admit that originally the intent of this lonely island adrift in the blogosphere was pure selfish sport. Though a day came when I was satisfied. On that day I no longer desired to write - so I stopped. That was nearly a year ago. Though what you may find peculiar is that here I am again tap tap tapping away at my keyboard. SURPRISE!
So what is it that roused me from my abrupt departure? Four simple letters… N.A.S.A. Oh yes, we’re talking about the bad to the bone, no frills, Rusky ass kicking, American space program. There was a time when I myself wanted to be an astronaut. Yes, it’s true. I’d hold my breath until my face turned purple all the while spinning insanely just to prove that I could stand the g-forces in the event of a catastrophic emergency re-entry. I went to space camp THREE (count them) THREE times. So why such an abrasive title for my idol? Well the NASA of yesteryear would take a steaming dump right on the face of the NASA of today. It would achieve this monumental fecal feat not because the exploits of today are less impressive but because NASA has become the Screech of government organizations. Less confident, less excessive, and less boisterous about its deeds. Where’d the razzle dazzle go?
Take one human being, place said human above a pile of explosives and see if they don’t blow up. It takes a pilot with brass balls more dense than uranium to mount that candle. The first seven space cowboys were probably some of the best PR NASA has had in the last fifty years. You had good looking men in silver costumes/booties risking their lives to stick it to the Russians - move over Bowie. Such hoopla ignited the dreams of a nation. Rocket fuel was burned by the ton so little Bobby and Jamie Sue would grow up imagining a life filled to the brim with jetpacks, hover cars, and turkey dinners in pill form. Inspiration, awe, and ass kicking were the three staples that NASA produced and it did so with cold blooded efficiency. The space agency of the 60s created thousands of jobs and catapulted America ahead of her godless/soulless competition (as far as technology goes).
So flash forward to modern times. We’ve scheduled a trip back to the moon but it’s going to take twice as long as it took to get there the first go around. We’re supposedly visiting Mars with a manned expedition but who the hell knows if that’ll get the hatchet? If you asked for a raise of hands to see if anyone even cares anymore the resulting smattering would be tepid at best. NASA is fucking up because it has a fundamental PR issue.
Recently we bombed the moon in the name of science. There was no five network nationally televised tailgate style sit down. The mark of great hype is in getting people who don’t usually give a shit about one “thing” to suddenly drop what they’re doing to turn their crazed attention on that “one thing”. *COUGH COUGH* Michael Phelps and Lance Armstrong *COUGH*. So when you take a speeding satellite and you smash it into the moon you bet your ass that this is an opportunity to get people amped about space. Why? Well why do people watch nascar? Why do they watch monster truck rally on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY? They pay for these things. People love watching shit blow up. If they didn’t then Michael Bay would be up shit creek without a paddle. I digress.
The problem is in presentation. The relay video of the actual bombardment showed a grainy image of the moon (check), a V/O count down to impact (check), then an indiscernible pin prick of a flash (FAIL). That was it. I seriously waited two hours to see a Where’s Waldo speck come and go? If I hadn’t known what I was looking at it could have just been an artifact in the digital feed. I blinked… FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!! Seriously, how do you fuck up one of the coolest explosions in space history since the destruction of the Death Star??
So what is it all worth? I believe that the budgetary woes that NASA is facing is due wholly to a failure to adequately brag about the cool shit that they are pulling off. It baffles me that you can spend $100,000,000 on a project, get the damn thing to its destination, and yet lack the foresight to see that what people really want is a worthwhile payoff. It’s like getting all the way through foreplay but then forgetting about the orgasm. Come on NASA get your shit together. I thought you had smart people in a room thinking shit up with another room of even more smart people thinking cool shit up? BTW where’s my ray gun? Show people more explosions and hype the spectacle and they’ll be humping your leg for more.
Dear NASA,
Please make space sexy again.
Love Nana
Honestly though you could have skipped the entire rant to get to this final pearl. NASA needs an ad agency.
Additional Reading: Daily Mail - The flash nobody saw
Extra Credit: Photoshop Tutorial - Make a Cool Space Explosition
October 12th, 2009
2 Comments at "NASA is Fucking Up"
It saddens me how much money is wasted on NASA crap. I’ll bet over 90% of the population wouldn’t notice if it just disappeared tomorrow. What’s the point anyway?
I suppose you could say that about the old “ass-kicking” NASA too, but it did get a nation of little kids interested in science. Pretty sure we shot our wad on getting to the moon - it’ll be pretty hard to top that without doing something outrageously expensive and totally frivolous.
Very entertaining piece. NASA definitely needs to do a better job of enhancing their “spectacle” ratio. Their mission should also be reconsidered. They might want to consider providing a little more return on tax dollar investment. Some interesting ideas from ESPN of all places,
“The shame is that while NASA toys with monumental waste of tax dollars on a moon base and speaks of a Mars mission it knows full well is inconceivable using current propulsion, the agency is not even considering two space initiatives that could return tangible benefits to taxpayers: protection against asteroids and space solar power. Sunlight collected in space where its energy value is far higher than on the ground, then beamed to Earth as microwaves, might provide a long-term fossil-free solution to the planet’s energy needs. No one knows if space solar power is practical. But NASA won’t as much as fund a demonstration project.”
http://bit.ly/1loH6L
NASA 2.0, anyone?
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